The moment I knew I was undoubtedly transgender was when I tried a binder on for the first time. I went to a Harrisonburg LGBTQ+ safe space where they had a gender expression closet filled with free clothes. I found a binder and immediately felt compelled to take it. So, I did. Later that day I got home and called my partner. I was bubbling with excitement, I didn’t even go upstairs to change. I went into my downstairs bathroom and tried it on. The person staring back at me was one I hardly recognized. I immediately started to cry. It felt like me. Finally, I had a choice to present differently.
I was so confused because sometimes I loved being feminine but I also love being masculine and androgynous. I didn’t understand. It felt like choosing one set gender identity and expression was going to mean letting go of a part of myself, and I grappled with that for a long time. But when I realized I could have it all, and I don’t have to lie about my identity to make other people comfortable, everything changed.
I am out at school, to all my friends, colleagues, and professors. I can say without a doubt I have never loved myself more since coming out to people in my day-to-day life. I love my body so much more now that I don’t cram it into rigid gender expectations. I have found a community of queer people on my campus that makes me feel like I belong as my authentic self, maybe for the first time ever. I am in a relationship with a person who is so affirming of who I am and does nothing but unconditionally love and support me through my discoveries. I am so proud to be who I am, and I really want to share that with all of the people I care about.
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From the beginning of my life, It was hard for me to understand the gender binary. I was always friends with boys. The next-door neighbor. My preschool class had one other girl that didn’t speak English. I always just made friends with people first and thought about the gender implications/dynamics later (when they were forced upon me). So often I was standing amongst my peers and felt like I never fit in. I didn’t understand why it was so hard to fit in as a girl or a boy. Never did I have the language to describe how I was feeling, until now. It is extremely difficult to describe to you how I feel about my gender because there is no feeling to compare it to. The best way I can describe it is this constant feeling like there is always something, deep down, missing. Like there is something deeply, fundamentally wrong with me. And for the longest time, I thought that there was. I thought I was the only person in the world that felt this way, always stuck in between, never being enough. I forced myself to be girly as possible because I never felt enough like a girl. I stopped doing sports as soon as they stopped being coed. So deep down, I have always known, I have just never had the language or understanding to express it.
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Interview with Heidi. Summer 2023:
Who is your hero?
“I’m my own hero”
What is your biggest fear?
letting people down
What really makes you angry?
hatred (of identities/groups of people)
What is your favorite book to read or favorite author?
I have dyslexia, so I listen to a lot of audiobooks instead of traditional reading. One of my current favorite books is Gender Queer: a Memoir by Maia Kobabe.
What is your opinion of ghosts and phantoms?
I believe in ghosts and the paranormal and I’m sensitive to sounds and energy. I also really enjoyed watching scary movies as a child.
Do you have a favorite song, band or musician currently?
I enjoy a lot of different types of music- including alt punk, Spanish/ German death metal
How would your friends describe you?
bold, confident
What's your favorite animal?
emperor penguins
What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
performed at the Kennedy Center (for the CAPPIE awards for Spamalot and Mary Poppins)
What's your favorite family recipe?
grandma’s chilli and lasagna
What's your favorite family tradition?
going to the beach with family in Sandbridge, VA
Do you collect anything?
rocks (crystals)
What three things do you think of the most each day?
1) my partner 2) clothes/fashion 3) gender/philosophy
I really enjoy exploring the area outside of the fitting rooms at stores. I find it really interesting to see what people choose not to get.
What is a character trait you would like to change about yourself and why?
1) interrupting people 2) I zone out during instructions